ACT 3
Scene 1 - Day of the big televised event. Meaning stands in front of a row of microphones and with camera lights flashing every few seconds he delivers the following monologue.
Meaning: You humans think you are special. (A gasp goes through the crowd followed by nervous laughter). And you are right! (Laughter). Language makes you special. But what if everything you thought you knew about language was wrong? (Silence). I am here to tell you that learning a langugae, any langugae, is actually very easy. See ... look at me, even a parrot can do it! The question you should ask yourselves though is this: Am I understanding what I'm saying or am I just delivering a long, memorized, scripted monologue?
(Murmurs)
What if language were easy? Well it is easy because you speak it without thinking, you even talk in your sleep. It hardly requires any effort. Only when you try to learn a new language does it seem very difficult, and that is the puzzling thing - how can something so easy be so hard? (Everyone is listening attentively now). That we don't know why should show us we still don't understand what language really is, and maybe it's important to figure it out. Because people today speak so many different languages and misunderstand each other so much, that it would truly be wonderful if people could learn to speak new languages really easily. Compare it to the days before aeroplanes were invented ... No one thought it possible for humans to fly.
(Here Meaning takes off in flight and circles around the room before again settling before the bank of microphones. Everyone is aghast and the camera's start flashing much faster, blinking like neon strobe lights).
Then someone figured out aerodynamics. And the built a plane. What if meaning is like aerodynamics. An unchartered area of knowledge ... something waiting to be discovered. And what if, if we discover the nature and working of meaning, it becomes possible to cross great distances in a far shorter time than would be possible if we were travelling on land, on horseback, or even with teh fastest car or train. What if, if we discovered the meaning of meaning, we could construct learning programs that make it possible, for instance, for adults to learn a new language in a few days? Wouldn't that be awesome? Maybe it's possible. Maybe not. But let us not kid ourselves that we have exhausted the meaning of meaning, because I believe that if we already had, such miracles would be possible.
I thank you for your attention.
Meaning bows slightly.
Wednesday, June 16, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
LOM13
Helen: Well it really is time that we discuss our little ... situation.
Ned: Indeed. Indeed.
Helen: Well it really is most unfortunate that our littole feathered student should have attracted the notice of the news media. I really rather wish we could have kept this under wraps.
Ned: Well it's been three months now that they've been clamoring for a televised appearance. Meaning is quite popular in the tabloids you know. I don't see how we can put it off for much longer.
Helen: Then there is the question of the legality of the entire thing ... while the law allows for eccentricity when it comes to wills, the government through it's Department of Education can't quite fit this into their little drop-down lists. They're insisting that we remove Meaning from the student roll and that he shouldn't have a student number and library access and so on ... I mean really I can see their point but why can't they just leave us alone?
Ned: Sighs. Why indeed. Well, we rely on the taxpayer and this particular taxpayer just happened to have a great deal of misplaced generosity so actually the goverment shouldn't be sticking it's nose into our affairs.
Helen: Exactly. By the way, how's your new BMW?
Ned: Drives like a dream. And speaking of by the ways, Helen, I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but you really are looking years younger.
Helen: blushes in a maidenly fashion: Oh I've had some discreet work done. It's not a good idea to go to extremes of course but really the medical science of beauty has progressed remarkably. Now if you promise not to take offense I could really recommend to you the absolute specialist in hairplugs.
Ned self consciously touches his hair: They look so silly for the first few months though.
Helen: Oh for goodness' sake mam, take a sabbatical ... you'll have to fly to the States to have it done of course so you might as well take a bit of a holiday ... get a suntan, come back looking like a new man.
Ned: Well yes I must say you do give good advice as to how to spend our new little fortune.
Helen: That's because philosophy is fundamentally concerned with happiness.
Ned: It is?
Helen: Well, if you take Aristotle as your guide to point of life is eudamonia, the finding of happiness.
Ned: I though you bunch were a lot less material.
Helen: Oh no no no ... we're very material indeed these days. You might say that since we are living in a material world, ours is a material discipline.
Ned: But what about social justice and so on. Shouldn't I be feeling guilty about spending a fortune on ... pardon your own decisions in this regard ... physical vanity while millions can't keep body and soul together?
Helen: Well I shall put it to you this way Professor Denver: it is not the work of philosophy to prescribe to you what to do. I can merely lay out the decisions and their consequences before you and let your own conscience choose it's own best path. After all there are no correct decisions. The consequence of your having hair plugs implanted in order to give you the appearance, if not the actual fact, of youth shall be, given your nature as a human being, an increase in your self-confidence due to changed perceptions of others, who will treat you with greater respect. Gone are the days of unattractive Professors with silly goatee's and beret's to hide their bald spots. In the modern world we must compete and, human nature being what it is, your research papers are more apt to get a positive response at a conference if you look younger and healthier. Thus your research will caryy more weight and change the world more. However, if you donate the money Meaning is given us to some other cause, that will actually truly be a material cause and not an intellectual one. What is the sense in keeping alive those who could not possibly contribute to humanities body of knowledge? I know I sound harsh but it is the job of philosophy to tell the honest truth.
Ned: So, you're saying that a new head of hair will do more good than donating to Habitat for Humanity?
Helen: I know it's contra-intuitive but then so much true wisdom is, isn't it.
Ned: You certainly know how to talk in circles ... I can't shake the feeling that if I analyzed your words more carefully when sober I'd see the flaw in your logic.
Helen: I welcome you to do so but I assure you the principles are sound.
Ned: Well ... I'll think about it. Now as to Meaning's upcoming television appearance. I do think we should ask the students to have him prepare a little demonsr\tration to us of his abilties to quite and to cite and so on. We wouldn't want to look like asses on National breakfast TV.
Helen: We certainly wouldn't. More wine?
Ned: Indeed. Indeed.
Helen: Well it really is most unfortunate that our littole feathered student should have attracted the notice of the news media. I really rather wish we could have kept this under wraps.
Ned: Well it's been three months now that they've been clamoring for a televised appearance. Meaning is quite popular in the tabloids you know. I don't see how we can put it off for much longer.
Helen: Then there is the question of the legality of the entire thing ... while the law allows for eccentricity when it comes to wills, the government through it's Department of Education can't quite fit this into their little drop-down lists. They're insisting that we remove Meaning from the student roll and that he shouldn't have a student number and library access and so on ... I mean really I can see their point but why can't they just leave us alone?
Ned: Sighs. Why indeed. Well, we rely on the taxpayer and this particular taxpayer just happened to have a great deal of misplaced generosity so actually the goverment shouldn't be sticking it's nose into our affairs.
Helen: Exactly. By the way, how's your new BMW?
Ned: Drives like a dream. And speaking of by the ways, Helen, I hope you won't take this the wrong way, but you really are looking years younger.
Helen: blushes in a maidenly fashion: Oh I've had some discreet work done. It's not a good idea to go to extremes of course but really the medical science of beauty has progressed remarkably. Now if you promise not to take offense I could really recommend to you the absolute specialist in hairplugs.
Ned self consciously touches his hair: They look so silly for the first few months though.
Helen: Oh for goodness' sake mam, take a sabbatical ... you'll have to fly to the States to have it done of course so you might as well take a bit of a holiday ... get a suntan, come back looking like a new man.
Ned: Well yes I must say you do give good advice as to how to spend our new little fortune.
Helen: That's because philosophy is fundamentally concerned with happiness.
Ned: It is?
Helen: Well, if you take Aristotle as your guide to point of life is eudamonia, the finding of happiness.
Ned: I though you bunch were a lot less material.
Helen: Oh no no no ... we're very material indeed these days. You might say that since we are living in a material world, ours is a material discipline.
Ned: But what about social justice and so on. Shouldn't I be feeling guilty about spending a fortune on ... pardon your own decisions in this regard ... physical vanity while millions can't keep body and soul together?
Helen: Well I shall put it to you this way Professor Denver: it is not the work of philosophy to prescribe to you what to do. I can merely lay out the decisions and their consequences before you and let your own conscience choose it's own best path. After all there are no correct decisions. The consequence of your having hair plugs implanted in order to give you the appearance, if not the actual fact, of youth shall be, given your nature as a human being, an increase in your self-confidence due to changed perceptions of others, who will treat you with greater respect. Gone are the days of unattractive Professors with silly goatee's and beret's to hide their bald spots. In the modern world we must compete and, human nature being what it is, your research papers are more apt to get a positive response at a conference if you look younger and healthier. Thus your research will caryy more weight and change the world more. However, if you donate the money Meaning is given us to some other cause, that will actually truly be a material cause and not an intellectual one. What is the sense in keeping alive those who could not possibly contribute to humanities body of knowledge? I know I sound harsh but it is the job of philosophy to tell the honest truth.
Ned: So, you're saying that a new head of hair will do more good than donating to Habitat for Humanity?
Helen: I know it's contra-intuitive but then so much true wisdom is, isn't it.
Ned: You certainly know how to talk in circles ... I can't shake the feeling that if I analyzed your words more carefully when sober I'd see the flaw in your logic.
Helen: I welcome you to do so but I assure you the principles are sound.
Ned: Well ... I'll think about it. Now as to Meaning's upcoming television appearance. I do think we should ask the students to have him prepare a little demonsr\tration to us of his abilties to quite and to cite and so on. We wouldn't want to look like asses on National breakfast TV.
Helen: We certainly wouldn't. More wine?
LOM12
Scene:
Professor Carver and Professor Denver are having lunch. It is their first meeting regarding the status of Meaning.
Ned: Some more wine for you Helen?
Helen: Don't mind if I do.
Ned: (Pours wine for them both ... the remnants of a delicious meal is on the table and a waiter is hovering nearby waiting for the opportunity to clear their dishes and ask if they'd like to see the desert menu. Ned however summons him): More wine please. The waiter clears the dishes and disappears.
Helen: I must say it is rather a luxury to eat here and claim it to department expenses.
Ned: It's the least we can do for ourselves in light of the trouble we've been through justifying having a parrot on our student roll.
Helen: Well if you put it that way ...
They both drink some more ...
Professor Carver and Professor Denver are having lunch. It is their first meeting regarding the status of Meaning.
Ned: Some more wine for you Helen?
Helen: Don't mind if I do.
Ned: (Pours wine for them both ... the remnants of a delicious meal is on the table and a waiter is hovering nearby waiting for the opportunity to clear their dishes and ask if they'd like to see the desert menu. Ned however summons him): More wine please. The waiter clears the dishes and disappears.
Helen: I must say it is rather a luxury to eat here and claim it to department expenses.
Ned: It's the least we can do for ourselves in light of the trouble we've been through justifying having a parrot on our student roll.
Helen: Well if you put it that way ...
They both drink some more ...
Sunday, June 13, 2010
LOM11
Scene - Dean's house
Dean is lounging in a Lazy Boy chair and Meaning is sitting above him on the headrest. They look like psych patient and analyst.
Dean: So let's go over it again. What do verbs do?
Meaning: They work. But they don't get paid. Hahahaha.
Dean: Enough jokes. What are nouns?
Meaning: Names. Names.
Dean: Names for what? Names of what? What kind of names? Give examples.
Meaning: Names for people, places and things. Example: Meaning, Meaning.
Dean: What kind of noun is Meaning?
Meaning: It's a proper noun. It's a proper noun.
Dean: And what kind of name is meaning if it's not capitalized and is not a proper noun.
Meaning: An abstract noun. An abstract noun.
Dean: What kind of word is abstract?
Meaning: Adjective. Adjective.
Dean: And what is the meaning of the word abstract?
Meaning: You can't touch it. (Starts to sing the MC hammer song - ) Mmmm... you can't touch this ... Mmmm ... you can't touch this
Dean: Puts his hands over his ears: Sheesh, enough with the rap already! Do me some Il Divo ...
Meaning: (Sings) Coooooon teeeeee, partiroooooooo!
Dean: Settling back with a smile on his face. Hm, that's much better.
A knock at the door interrupts Meaning's divine voice.
Dean shouts: What?
Ann: (muffled) It's me, Ann!
Dean: Oh. Come in.
Ann (comes in) : Don't you think we should work out a secret knock or something?
Dean: Why?
Ann: So no one catches us talking to a talking parrot.
Dean: They won't even notice, trust me.
Ann: Sits down.
Meaning screeches: The world is all that is the case. Not!
Dean: What's that?
Ann: Oh, I'm teaching him Wittgenstein. Ever since I explained to him that all the propositions in the Tractatus Logico Philosophicus iare self-defeating he insists on saying each preopsition and then saying "not!" At the end. He thinks it's very funny.
Dean: Yeah, he's a scream.
Meaning: I'm right here! I'm right here!
An: Sorry Meaning, it's difficult not to talk about a parrot in third person ... anyway people do it to babies too.
Meaning: But I understand and my feelings are hurt! I'm not a constant comedian I'm just trying to lighten things up a little!
Dean: That is not done in academia. It is considered pedestrian.
Dean is lounging in a Lazy Boy chair and Meaning is sitting above him on the headrest. They look like psych patient and analyst.
Dean: So let's go over it again. What do verbs do?
Meaning: They work. But they don't get paid. Hahahaha.
Dean: Enough jokes. What are nouns?
Meaning: Names. Names.
Dean: Names for what? Names of what? What kind of names? Give examples.
Meaning: Names for people, places and things. Example: Meaning, Meaning.
Dean: What kind of noun is Meaning?
Meaning: It's a proper noun. It's a proper noun.
Dean: And what kind of name is meaning if it's not capitalized and is not a proper noun.
Meaning: An abstract noun. An abstract noun.
Dean: What kind of word is abstract?
Meaning: Adjective. Adjective.
Dean: And what is the meaning of the word abstract?
Meaning: You can't touch it. (Starts to sing the MC hammer song - ) Mmmm... you can't touch this ... Mmmm ... you can't touch this
Dean: Puts his hands over his ears: Sheesh, enough with the rap already! Do me some Il Divo ...
Meaning: (Sings) Coooooon teeeeee, partiroooooooo!
Dean: Settling back with a smile on his face. Hm, that's much better.
A knock at the door interrupts Meaning's divine voice.
Dean shouts: What?
Ann: (muffled) It's me, Ann!
Dean: Oh. Come in.
Ann (comes in) : Don't you think we should work out a secret knock or something?
Dean: Why?
Ann: So no one catches us talking to a talking parrot.
Dean: They won't even notice, trust me.
Ann: Sits down.
Meaning screeches: The world is all that is the case. Not!
Dean: What's that?
Ann: Oh, I'm teaching him Wittgenstein. Ever since I explained to him that all the propositions in the Tractatus Logico Philosophicus iare self-defeating he insists on saying each preopsition and then saying "not!" At the end. He thinks it's very funny.
Dean: Yeah, he's a scream.
Meaning: I'm right here! I'm right here!
An: Sorry Meaning, it's difficult not to talk about a parrot in third person ... anyway people do it to babies too.
Meaning: But I understand and my feelings are hurt! I'm not a constant comedian I'm just trying to lighten things up a little!
Dean: That is not done in academia. It is considered pedestrian.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
LOM10
Act 2 scene 2 Ann's home
The doorbell rings. Ann answers the door. Burt stands there with Meaning on his shoulder.
Ann: Hi. Come in.
Burt: Thanks.
Ann: So will you be staying while I tutor Meaning or ...
Burt: No, no, I think I'll take a walk ... Meaning gets nervous when there are too many people around. (He carefully takes the parrot from his shoulder and hands him to Ann). Well, goodbye then. See you in an hour.
Ann: An hour, right. Wait! Shouldn't he bein a cage or something?
Burt: Oh no, don't worry he hates flying. He usually just walks around and only flies to get from the floor to the table for instance. Very tame he is.
Ann: Oh, OK.
Burt: Well, Bye then...
Ann: Yes, bye ... (She walks with the parrot sitting on her curled fingers to her study, where she lets him down on the desk. Meaning walks around on the desk this way and that without saying anything.
Ann: So ... Meaning ...
Meaning: (Screeches) Meaning! Meaning!
Ann: (Taken aback) I'm Ann.
Meaning: Ann! Ann!
Ann: (slowly) Riiight ...
Meaning: (mimicing her exactly) Riiiight ...
Ann: (shouts) Stop repeating everything I say!
Meaning: OK fine!
Ann: (aghast) What did you say?
Meaning: I said "fine".
Ann: So you can talk then?
Meaning: Yes actually I can but it so happens you're the first person I decided to say something to. Burt and the old man would have had heart attacks if I started talking normal to them.
Ann: And are you going to talk to Dean too?
Meaning: Yes. But only to you two. Look, the old man was right... there's a lot I want to learn and being capable of human speech doesn't render me capable of understanding meaning ... I mean I know I'm not like other parrots ... I actually already have what you are supposed to give me ... Maybe it was the trauma of my mother dying on my first day of life that shocked me into sentience or something, I don't know, so I know that I know the meaning of the words I say, words that other parrots only mimic, so it seems, I don't know I haven't really seen many parrots except on TV, but the point is I do actually want to learn the meaning of meaning, so ... go!
Ann: (Aghast) Uh ... uhm ... you'll just have to give me a moment ...
Meaning: Take you time. Take you time. Sorry about the repition by the way. It comes naturally, naturally, Sort of like a nervous tick if you know what I mean if you know what I mean. Wait I'll have it under control just now just now just now just now.
Meaning: (shakes his vigorously so that his crest of white feathers swishes from side to side. Then he says slowly): O. K.
Ann: (faints)
The doorbell rings. Ann answers the door. Burt stands there with Meaning on his shoulder.
Ann: Hi. Come in.
Burt: Thanks.
Ann: So will you be staying while I tutor Meaning or ...
Burt: No, no, I think I'll take a walk ... Meaning gets nervous when there are too many people around. (He carefully takes the parrot from his shoulder and hands him to Ann). Well, goodbye then. See you in an hour.
Ann: An hour, right. Wait! Shouldn't he bein a cage or something?
Burt: Oh no, don't worry he hates flying. He usually just walks around and only flies to get from the floor to the table for instance. Very tame he is.
Ann: Oh, OK.
Burt: Well, Bye then...
Ann: Yes, bye ... (She walks with the parrot sitting on her curled fingers to her study, where she lets him down on the desk. Meaning walks around on the desk this way and that without saying anything.
Ann: So ... Meaning ...
Meaning: (Screeches) Meaning! Meaning!
Ann: (Taken aback) I'm Ann.
Meaning: Ann! Ann!
Ann: (slowly) Riiight ...
Meaning: (mimicing her exactly) Riiiight ...
Ann: (shouts) Stop repeating everything I say!
Meaning: OK fine!
Ann: (aghast) What did you say?
Meaning: I said "fine".
Ann: So you can talk then?
Meaning: Yes actually I can but it so happens you're the first person I decided to say something to. Burt and the old man would have had heart attacks if I started talking normal to them.
Ann: And are you going to talk to Dean too?
Meaning: Yes. But only to you two. Look, the old man was right... there's a lot I want to learn and being capable of human speech doesn't render me capable of understanding meaning ... I mean I know I'm not like other parrots ... I actually already have what you are supposed to give me ... Maybe it was the trauma of my mother dying on my first day of life that shocked me into sentience or something, I don't know, so I know that I know the meaning of the words I say, words that other parrots only mimic, so it seems, I don't know I haven't really seen many parrots except on TV, but the point is I do actually want to learn the meaning of meaning, so ... go!
Ann: (Aghast) Uh ... uhm ... you'll just have to give me a moment ...
Meaning: Take you time. Take you time. Sorry about the repition by the way. It comes naturally, naturally, Sort of like a nervous tick if you know what I mean if you know what I mean. Wait I'll have it under control just now just now just now just now.
Meaning: (shakes his vigorously so that his crest of white feathers swishes from side to side. Then he says slowly): O. K.
Ann: (faints)
Tuesday, June 8, 2010
LOM9
Ann: Hauls out a notebook, diary, pen, pencil and another book from her bag. The book is Das Kapital by Karl Marx. Dean first stares at it, craning his head to read the title upside down. Then he picks the book up and flips through it.
Dean: It's in German.
Ann: You're a linguist. Don't you study other languages?
Dean: No need.
Ann: Sighs. Look, to be honest, I'd rather be alone and read if you don't mind so let's make the schedule and get it over with. Didn't you bring your diary.
Dean wordlessly reaches into his shirt pocket. He is wearing a shirt with a collar that looks like it hasn't been properly weashed or starched for a long time. Yet he does give the appearance of enatness. He takes out a diary and shows it to Ann.
Ann: with an ostentatious sigh - OK look Prof. Carver has got it into her head that the parrot should study every day for an hour so we can make alternate days or I take him for three days and then you take him for three days, what do you think?
Dean: Surely there are more alternatives than just those two. The possibilities abound! We could make a mathematical formula of it ... I take him for two days consecutively and you take him for two days consecutively and then we each take him for a day ... Hey so don't you work on Sundays?
Ann: Looking uncomfortable. It's not that. Seven days is just harder to divide up and six.
Dean starts to laugh uproariously. Ann stares at him until he settles down.
Ann: If you had as much uncertainty in your life as I do because of my job then you'd want some order too.
Dean: What are you worried you won't get a job at the Uni?
Ann: No I mean the philosophical condition is fundamentally one of uncertainty.
Dean: Talking to you is giving me a headache.
Ann: Talking to you is making me gag.
Dean: suddenly serious and worried. It's my breath, isn't it?
Ann: Actually no, although you really should brush your teeth after eating raw onions or eggs or ... my goodness now that you mention it, what did you eat?
Dean: It's gingivitis actually. I can't help it.
Ann: Oh. Sorry.
Dean: I was just kidding with you, the first option sounds cool we take the parrot alternate days and Sundays there'll be no parrot school.
Ann: Who gets Saturdays?
Dean: What?
Ann: Who gets to take him on a Saturday ... you know, Tuesday Thursday Saturday?
Dean: Oh1 Oh, I don't mind. I'll take him on Saturdays. I never have anything special on.
Ann: Actually I was hoping I could have him on Saturdays. It would give me an excuse for staying home.
Dean: Where would you have to go if you couldn't stay home?
Ann: Well, nowhere, but it's better to have a reason to go nowhere than just ... you know.
Dean: Smiling. I do actually. Let's flip for it. He pulls a coin out of his shirt. Heads I take him Saturdays and tails you take him Saturdays.
Ann nods.
Dean flips the coin. It lands on tails.
Ann: Okay so I'm Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
Dean: And I'm Monday Wednesday and Friday. He finishes his beer and gets up to leave. Ann opens her book. Just as Dean is shuffling past her she suddenly says: Hey Dean.
Dean: Yes what?
Ann: Don't you think it's strange?
Dean: Don't I think what's strange?
Ann: That we're not finding this situation strange?
Dean: Thinks a bit. Then speaks. Yes, that is strange.
They nod at each other wisely as if in that moment a bond is formed between them. Then Dean walks away and Ann, after staring into space for a bit, opens her book and is soon lost in thought.
Suddenly Dean comes back with a beer: I bought you another beer.
Ann smiles: What do you think I'm a lush or something?
Dean: Or something. Happy reading. See you around.
Dean: It's in German.
Ann: You're a linguist. Don't you study other languages?
Dean: No need.
Ann: Sighs. Look, to be honest, I'd rather be alone and read if you don't mind so let's make the schedule and get it over with. Didn't you bring your diary.
Dean wordlessly reaches into his shirt pocket. He is wearing a shirt with a collar that looks like it hasn't been properly weashed or starched for a long time. Yet he does give the appearance of enatness. He takes out a diary and shows it to Ann.
Ann: with an ostentatious sigh - OK look Prof. Carver has got it into her head that the parrot should study every day for an hour so we can make alternate days or I take him for three days and then you take him for three days, what do you think?
Dean: Surely there are more alternatives than just those two. The possibilities abound! We could make a mathematical formula of it ... I take him for two days consecutively and you take him for two days consecutively and then we each take him for a day ... Hey so don't you work on Sundays?
Ann: Looking uncomfortable. It's not that. Seven days is just harder to divide up and six.
Dean starts to laugh uproariously. Ann stares at him until he settles down.
Ann: If you had as much uncertainty in your life as I do because of my job then you'd want some order too.
Dean: What are you worried you won't get a job at the Uni?
Ann: No I mean the philosophical condition is fundamentally one of uncertainty.
Dean: Talking to you is giving me a headache.
Ann: Talking to you is making me gag.
Dean: suddenly serious and worried. It's my breath, isn't it?
Ann: Actually no, although you really should brush your teeth after eating raw onions or eggs or ... my goodness now that you mention it, what did you eat?
Dean: It's gingivitis actually. I can't help it.
Ann: Oh. Sorry.
Dean: I was just kidding with you, the first option sounds cool we take the parrot alternate days and Sundays there'll be no parrot school.
Ann: Who gets Saturdays?
Dean: What?
Ann: Who gets to take him on a Saturday ... you know, Tuesday Thursday Saturday?
Dean: Oh1 Oh, I don't mind. I'll take him on Saturdays. I never have anything special on.
Ann: Actually I was hoping I could have him on Saturdays. It would give me an excuse for staying home.
Dean: Where would you have to go if you couldn't stay home?
Ann: Well, nowhere, but it's better to have a reason to go nowhere than just ... you know.
Dean: Smiling. I do actually. Let's flip for it. He pulls a coin out of his shirt. Heads I take him Saturdays and tails you take him Saturdays.
Ann nods.
Dean flips the coin. It lands on tails.
Ann: Okay so I'm Tuesday Thursday and Saturday
Dean: And I'm Monday Wednesday and Friday. He finishes his beer and gets up to leave. Ann opens her book. Just as Dean is shuffling past her she suddenly says: Hey Dean.
Dean: Yes what?
Ann: Don't you think it's strange?
Dean: Don't I think what's strange?
Ann: That we're not finding this situation strange?
Dean: Thinks a bit. Then speaks. Yes, that is strange.
They nod at each other wisely as if in that moment a bond is formed between them. Then Dean walks away and Ann, after staring into space for a bit, opens her book and is soon lost in thought.
Suddenly Dean comes back with a beer: I bought you another beer.
Ann smiles: What do you think I'm a lush or something?
Dean: Or something. Happy reading. See you around.
LOM8
Act 2 scene 2 - a local student watering hole. An overweight girl with very long hair sits nursing a beer and looking at her watch periodically. The bar is not very full and the atmosphere is relaxed and quiet enough for talking. A young man with a ring of hair around his upper lip and chin (one couldn't quite call it a beard) walks up to her.
Dean: Coughing politely. Ann?
Ann: Turns. Yes.
Dean: I'm Dean. OK if I sit down?
Ann: What do you mean is OK if you sit down. Of course! Why wouldn't it be? We arranged to meet here didn't we, so sit down already.
Dean: nervous. OK. He sits down.
Ann: Would you like a beer?
Dean. OK.
Ann: Well they're not serving tables right now so you should go down to the bar and get one if you want.
Dean: Sheesh you're bossy.
Ann: Bristles. I'm not bossy!
Dean: Well in the one minute I've known you you've guven me two commands: sit down, get a beer. I can think for myself you know.
Ann: Mellows. OK point taken. Now go get your beer.
Dean obediently stands up and goes and gets a beer from the bar. He comes back to the table and sits down.
Ann says nothing. She doesn't want to appear bossy.
Dean: Coughing politely. Ann?
Ann: Turns. Yes.
Dean: I'm Dean. OK if I sit down?
Ann: What do you mean is OK if you sit down. Of course! Why wouldn't it be? We arranged to meet here didn't we, so sit down already.
Dean: nervous. OK. He sits down.
Ann: Would you like a beer?
Dean. OK.
Ann: Well they're not serving tables right now so you should go down to the bar and get one if you want.
Dean: Sheesh you're bossy.
Ann: Bristles. I'm not bossy!
Dean: Well in the one minute I've known you you've guven me two commands: sit down, get a beer. I can think for myself you know.
Ann: Mellows. OK point taken. Now go get your beer.
Dean obediently stands up and goes and gets a beer from the bar. He comes back to the table and sits down.
Ann says nothing. She doesn't want to appear bossy.
Monday, June 7, 2010
LOM7
Act 2
Scene 1
University campus. An office. Helen and Ned are discussing what to do with Meaning.
Helen: Well, I must say the will was very generous in its stipulations as to how we should carry out this impossible task. It only says that we should educate Meaning to the satisfaction of his custodian, Burt, and as long as we do so our funds are happily in the black.
Ned: Indeed. Although I admit that I feel rather like taking candy from a baby. Burt certainly is an easy fellow to please.
Helen: Well he might be a little simple as far as his heart goes but he does have his wits about him. We should be careful.
Ned: Well, assigning a personal tutor from each of our departments to instruct ... haha ... Meaning is certainly the best route.
Helen: I couldn't agree more. If they fail, we can blame them, and if we succeed, ours will be the glory.
Ned: What are you talking about? Fail, succeed. This craziness cannot possibly succeed. It's a parrot for goodness sake!
Helen: Of course of course. I get a bit carried away sometimes. I should speak more precisely. If it is perceived by Burt that the project has succeeded we can claim the glory for that, and should he threaten to cut off our funds because of insufficient progress, again, perceived insufficient progress, we'll blame the graduate students and assign new ones. That should keep us going for a number of years.
Ned: Indeed. Indeed. So it's merely a matter of finding the right students. I assume you'll agree with me that the project will be seen as having succeeded, or, more precisely, it will be seen as continuiung to succeed, goodness me English certainly does actually need some more complex subjunctive tenses ... it will be seen as being an ongoing success as long as Meaning continues to memorize long passages of academic argument. We can't do anything more than just have the students read to him .... repeatedly of course ... I understand this is how parrots seem to learn, and hope that he takes it in and can regurgitate it at command.
Helen: So we need students with a lot of time on their hands.
Ned. Haha! All students have all the time in the world on their hands! At least judging by our department's attendance rates. What do they do in all that time they aren't in class? They certainly don't study, as can be seen from their academic performance.
Helen: So let's choose not those who have enough time for all this mindless repition ... let us rather choose our two tutors who are crazy enough to speak to a parrot all day long.
Ned: Well, I have just the fellow - Dean Something is his name ... Dean, Dean, Sherman, yes, Dean Sherman. Actually quite bright but he has a terrible problem with bad breath. Gingivitis I'm guessing. Doesn't have much of a social life.
Helen: Well in that case I would suggest our Ann. Brilliant student but due to some malfunction of some glan or another she unfortunately hopelessly and incurably overweight. She seems rather shunned by the other students and probably won't mind the company of an animal. Ann Jones. I'll give her a call right away. She's one of our most diligent assistants. She insisted on leaving her cellnumber with the secretary with instructions to call whenever an extra class opens up. She can't get enough of teaching, the poor thing. She'll teach anyone anything. So this is maybe the chance she's been waiting for.
Ned: I won't have to wait long for Dean to show up either. He's always hanging around the offices he is. Quite a nuisance actually, him always wanting to drop in and chat about his latest linguistic theory, haha. So I'm bound to run into him this very afternoon.
Helen: Allright then. We'll have them get together to work out a timetable between the two of them for private tutoring sessions. Meaning can attend all the classes he wants to, and after hours he'll be taught to memorize all the salient points of linguistics and philosophy.
Ned: Although I do think he should spend a little bit more time on linguistics don't you think. There's an awful lot to wade through.
Helen (miffed): Can't possibly compare to the nearly three millenia of philosophy we as a human race have behind us! More time spent on philosophy will lead to a greater chance for learning the meaning of meaning.
Ned: Now listen to yourself Professor Carver! Remember we ARE talking about a bird here so it hardly matters does it?
Helen. Apologies. Yes if it doesn't matter I'll concede that linguistics is as important as philosophy but you know my personal opinion ... If this were a real student I couldn't possibly spare him or her ANY time for any other discipline. Philosophy requires total single-minded dedication.
Ned: Sighs. I'm not going to waste any of my breath trying to get you to be reasonable I'm far too busy. Shall we meet monthly to discuss ... haha ... Meaning's progress?
Helen: Stiffly: I hardly see why it should be so frequent. Once a month might do.
Ned: Once a semester?
Helen: Well we must give the appearance of caring about this so-called project so we'll make an afternoon of it four times a year then?
Ned: Agreed. I'll have my secretary contact yours with a schedule.
Helen: I think I should rather have my secretary contact yours .... I'm sure my schedule is far busier.
Ned: Mutters ... These women Professors ...
Helen: WHAT did you say?
Ned: The swimming Professors team is about to meet I'm sorry I must rush off, have your secretary contact mine then ...
Ned exits with Helen staring after him suspiciously.
Scene 1
University campus. An office. Helen and Ned are discussing what to do with Meaning.
Helen: Well, I must say the will was very generous in its stipulations as to how we should carry out this impossible task. It only says that we should educate Meaning to the satisfaction of his custodian, Burt, and as long as we do so our funds are happily in the black.
Ned: Indeed. Although I admit that I feel rather like taking candy from a baby. Burt certainly is an easy fellow to please.
Helen: Well he might be a little simple as far as his heart goes but he does have his wits about him. We should be careful.
Ned: Well, assigning a personal tutor from each of our departments to instruct ... haha ... Meaning is certainly the best route.
Helen: I couldn't agree more. If they fail, we can blame them, and if we succeed, ours will be the glory.
Ned: What are you talking about? Fail, succeed. This craziness cannot possibly succeed. It's a parrot for goodness sake!
Helen: Of course of course. I get a bit carried away sometimes. I should speak more precisely. If it is perceived by Burt that the project has succeeded we can claim the glory for that, and should he threaten to cut off our funds because of insufficient progress, again, perceived insufficient progress, we'll blame the graduate students and assign new ones. That should keep us going for a number of years.
Ned: Indeed. Indeed. So it's merely a matter of finding the right students. I assume you'll agree with me that the project will be seen as having succeeded, or, more precisely, it will be seen as continuiung to succeed, goodness me English certainly does actually need some more complex subjunctive tenses ... it will be seen as being an ongoing success as long as Meaning continues to memorize long passages of academic argument. We can't do anything more than just have the students read to him .... repeatedly of course ... I understand this is how parrots seem to learn, and hope that he takes it in and can regurgitate it at command.
Helen: So we need students with a lot of time on their hands.
Ned. Haha! All students have all the time in the world on their hands! At least judging by our department's attendance rates. What do they do in all that time they aren't in class? They certainly don't study, as can be seen from their academic performance.
Helen: So let's choose not those who have enough time for all this mindless repition ... let us rather choose our two tutors who are crazy enough to speak to a parrot all day long.
Ned: Well, I have just the fellow - Dean Something is his name ... Dean, Dean, Sherman, yes, Dean Sherman. Actually quite bright but he has a terrible problem with bad breath. Gingivitis I'm guessing. Doesn't have much of a social life.
Helen: Well in that case I would suggest our Ann. Brilliant student but due to some malfunction of some glan or another she unfortunately hopelessly and incurably overweight. She seems rather shunned by the other students and probably won't mind the company of an animal. Ann Jones. I'll give her a call right away. She's one of our most diligent assistants. She insisted on leaving her cellnumber with the secretary with instructions to call whenever an extra class opens up. She can't get enough of teaching, the poor thing. She'll teach anyone anything. So this is maybe the chance she's been waiting for.
Ned: I won't have to wait long for Dean to show up either. He's always hanging around the offices he is. Quite a nuisance actually, him always wanting to drop in and chat about his latest linguistic theory, haha. So I'm bound to run into him this very afternoon.
Helen: Allright then. We'll have them get together to work out a timetable between the two of them for private tutoring sessions. Meaning can attend all the classes he wants to, and after hours he'll be taught to memorize all the salient points of linguistics and philosophy.
Ned: Although I do think he should spend a little bit more time on linguistics don't you think. There's an awful lot to wade through.
Helen (miffed): Can't possibly compare to the nearly three millenia of philosophy we as a human race have behind us! More time spent on philosophy will lead to a greater chance for learning the meaning of meaning.
Ned: Now listen to yourself Professor Carver! Remember we ARE talking about a bird here so it hardly matters does it?
Helen. Apologies. Yes if it doesn't matter I'll concede that linguistics is as important as philosophy but you know my personal opinion ... If this were a real student I couldn't possibly spare him or her ANY time for any other discipline. Philosophy requires total single-minded dedication.
Ned: Sighs. I'm not going to waste any of my breath trying to get you to be reasonable I'm far too busy. Shall we meet monthly to discuss ... haha ... Meaning's progress?
Helen: Stiffly: I hardly see why it should be so frequent. Once a month might do.
Ned: Once a semester?
Helen: Well we must give the appearance of caring about this so-called project so we'll make an afternoon of it four times a year then?
Ned: Agreed. I'll have my secretary contact yours with a schedule.
Helen: I think I should rather have my secretary contact yours .... I'm sure my schedule is far busier.
Ned: Mutters ... These women Professors ...
Helen: WHAT did you say?
Ned: The swimming Professors team is about to meet I'm sorry I must rush off, have your secretary contact mine then ...
Ned exits with Helen staring after him suspiciously.
LOM6
Helen and Ned both compose themselves in the face of this utterance.
Burt: Of course you will be hearing about all the legal stipulations, and there are quite a few I must say, Mr. Cunningham certainly took after his family in that respect ... now where was I , Oh yes, you'll be hearing from Mr. Cunningham's solicitor within a few days but Me thought you should hear it from me first. Well, that is, me, as in me, Burt, and Me Senior ...
Helen: Got it. Personal pronouns and names duly sorted.
Ned: Actually Me is Proper Noun.
Burt: Continues, seemingly unfazed: He wanted me to be the one to tell you of his bequest and the rather strange request that goes with it.
Helen and Burth resolve to remain silent and listen attentively to the next part:
Burt: Well, Mr. Cunningham considers this little parrot to be his son, his very own flesh and blood, so deep was his regret at rendering it motherless. And like every parent he wants, he wanted, the best for his heir, and the thing is, you see, he was quite convinced that this here bird was a very intelligent parrot. As you know parrots can mimic human speech but Mr. Cunningham was convinced that this particular parrot has great potential. The first thing he taught this parrot was it's name, Me Cunningham. Over and over he would repeat to the parrot: Me Cun Ning Ham.
But all the parrot ever learned to say was the first syllable and the third syllable. Me and Ning. No matter how hard Mr. Cunningham tried, he couldn't teach the parrot to say anything but that: Me and Ning. But of course as the parrot repeated the two syllables over and over it came to sound as if he were saying "Meaning". Mr. Cunningham was overjoyed at his progress and proceeded to teach the parrot many other things too, which the parrot took to with great alacrity. Why he can quote entire sections of Shakespeare like the most learned of thespians. However, he never ever got his own name right. When asked his name, the parrot would always reply just "Meaning". Mr. Cunningham took this to mean that the parrot chose this as his own name, and duly had his name officially changed to Meaning Cunningham. So you, this parrot's name is Meaning. My employer thought that this might signify something deeper, as if the parrot understood it's own nature, and knowing that it was doomed to repeat utterances without understanding the meaning of what it was saying, it hankered in its tiny little parrot soul after the one thing it could not possess: Meaning. Mr. Cunningham became so sure of this that he cried many a tear for the poor orphan parrot and resolved to give him the best chance to achieve his wish, just in case it really was his wish and not merely my employers imagination. So just in case it is true that this here little parrot, Meaning Cunningham, hankers after meaning, Mr. Cunningham resolved that he should have an education. After looking into the matter thoroughly he decided that of all the disciplines there are in the world, Philosophy and Linguistics both deal with the meaning of meaning, if you get my drift, and so he wants your departments to educate Meaning in your respective disciplines and in return you shall receive a most generous stipend for as long as Meaning lives, which can be quite long, as African Grey's, when taken good care of, may live a very long life indeed.
Burt: stopping to let the meaning of his words sink in, looks at the two department heads a long time before conitnuing. "No doubt you will find that the stipend will go a long way in these years to come to establish your two respective departments as legitimate disciplines deserving of longevity, which is not anything to sneer at in these economically challenging times. And no doubt the ridicule of other university departments will merely be envy because this certainly is not so difficult a task to achieve ... you merely have to let Meaning sit in on your lectures. He needn't even take tests. And I shall be there as his guardian. We really won't be a bother at all. We just want his name name on the student roll, as an honorary student for life, as it were, and you needn't even confer any degrees, not even honorary degrees upon him. In fact you need not even believe in this enterprise. I myself certainly, even having witnessed the parrot's apparent intelligence, have more than my share of doubts. Nevertheless, it is my employers wish that this creature be given the opportunity to indeed gain true intelligence.
A long silence follows. Finally Helen clears her throat: "From a pragmatic perspective, the stipend, it's ... uhm... well, I mean to say ... I ...uh"
Burt, aware of her embarrassment, leans over and whispers in her ear.
Helen nods sagely and in turn whispers into Ned's ear. The linguit lets out a whoop which reverberates strangely through the emoty church before he manages to compose himself.
Ned: That is very generous. I find myself weighing my intellectual integrity against the sum that you mentioned and between the three ... that is, I mean, the four of us (he nods at Meaning) I do confess I am of weaker moral fibre than I thought because I for one am more than willing to enroll Meaning as a student in our department.
Helen: Same here. I am, for once, at a loss for words. My department certainly could use the money.
Burt: Then it is settled. As I said before, you'll be hearing from Mr. Cunningham's solicitor and between the three of you I imagine you'll all be able to iron out the details.
Helen: Out of curiosity, could you have the parrot say something?
Burt whispers into Meaning's ear.
Meaning: "I think therefore I am"
Ned: Anything for me?
Burt whispers into the birds ear again.
Meaning: "Thus, it is clear that the vocal apparatus has an importance which may monopolise our attention, and when we have studied this articulatory aspect of languages we shall soon realise that there is a corresponding acoustic aspect. "
Ned nods his head gravely. Interesting. Most most interesting.
Meaning: Squawks.
Burt: Of course you will be hearing about all the legal stipulations, and there are quite a few I must say, Mr. Cunningham certainly took after his family in that respect ... now where was I , Oh yes, you'll be hearing from Mr. Cunningham's solicitor within a few days but Me thought you should hear it from me first. Well, that is, me, as in me, Burt, and Me Senior ...
Helen: Got it. Personal pronouns and names duly sorted.
Ned: Actually Me is Proper Noun.
Burt: Continues, seemingly unfazed: He wanted me to be the one to tell you of his bequest and the rather strange request that goes with it.
Helen and Burth resolve to remain silent and listen attentively to the next part:
Burt: Well, Mr. Cunningham considers this little parrot to be his son, his very own flesh and blood, so deep was his regret at rendering it motherless. And like every parent he wants, he wanted, the best for his heir, and the thing is, you see, he was quite convinced that this here bird was a very intelligent parrot. As you know parrots can mimic human speech but Mr. Cunningham was convinced that this particular parrot has great potential. The first thing he taught this parrot was it's name, Me Cunningham. Over and over he would repeat to the parrot: Me Cun Ning Ham.
But all the parrot ever learned to say was the first syllable and the third syllable. Me and Ning. No matter how hard Mr. Cunningham tried, he couldn't teach the parrot to say anything but that: Me and Ning. But of course as the parrot repeated the two syllables over and over it came to sound as if he were saying "Meaning". Mr. Cunningham was overjoyed at his progress and proceeded to teach the parrot many other things too, which the parrot took to with great alacrity. Why he can quote entire sections of Shakespeare like the most learned of thespians. However, he never ever got his own name right. When asked his name, the parrot would always reply just "Meaning". Mr. Cunningham took this to mean that the parrot chose this as his own name, and duly had his name officially changed to Meaning Cunningham. So you, this parrot's name is Meaning. My employer thought that this might signify something deeper, as if the parrot understood it's own nature, and knowing that it was doomed to repeat utterances without understanding the meaning of what it was saying, it hankered in its tiny little parrot soul after the one thing it could not possess: Meaning. Mr. Cunningham became so sure of this that he cried many a tear for the poor orphan parrot and resolved to give him the best chance to achieve his wish, just in case it really was his wish and not merely my employers imagination. So just in case it is true that this here little parrot, Meaning Cunningham, hankers after meaning, Mr. Cunningham resolved that he should have an education. After looking into the matter thoroughly he decided that of all the disciplines there are in the world, Philosophy and Linguistics both deal with the meaning of meaning, if you get my drift, and so he wants your departments to educate Meaning in your respective disciplines and in return you shall receive a most generous stipend for as long as Meaning lives, which can be quite long, as African Grey's, when taken good care of, may live a very long life indeed.
Burt: stopping to let the meaning of his words sink in, looks at the two department heads a long time before conitnuing. "No doubt you will find that the stipend will go a long way in these years to come to establish your two respective departments as legitimate disciplines deserving of longevity, which is not anything to sneer at in these economically challenging times. And no doubt the ridicule of other university departments will merely be envy because this certainly is not so difficult a task to achieve ... you merely have to let Meaning sit in on your lectures. He needn't even take tests. And I shall be there as his guardian. We really won't be a bother at all. We just want his name name on the student roll, as an honorary student for life, as it were, and you needn't even confer any degrees, not even honorary degrees upon him. In fact you need not even believe in this enterprise. I myself certainly, even having witnessed the parrot's apparent intelligence, have more than my share of doubts. Nevertheless, it is my employers wish that this creature be given the opportunity to indeed gain true intelligence.
A long silence follows. Finally Helen clears her throat: "From a pragmatic perspective, the stipend, it's ... uhm... well, I mean to say ... I ...uh"
Burt, aware of her embarrassment, leans over and whispers in her ear.
Helen nods sagely and in turn whispers into Ned's ear. The linguit lets out a whoop which reverberates strangely through the emoty church before he manages to compose himself.
Ned: That is very generous. I find myself weighing my intellectual integrity against the sum that you mentioned and between the three ... that is, I mean, the four of us (he nods at Meaning) I do confess I am of weaker moral fibre than I thought because I for one am more than willing to enroll Meaning as a student in our department.
Helen: Same here. I am, for once, at a loss for words. My department certainly could use the money.
Burt: Then it is settled. As I said before, you'll be hearing from Mr. Cunningham's solicitor and between the three of you I imagine you'll all be able to iron out the details.
Helen: Out of curiosity, could you have the parrot say something?
Burt whispers into Meaning's ear.
Meaning: "I think therefore I am"
Ned: Anything for me?
Burt whispers into the birds ear again.
Meaning: "Thus, it is clear that the vocal apparatus has an importance which may monopolise our attention, and when we have studied this articulatory aspect of languages we shall soon realise that there is a corresponding acoustic aspect. "
Ned nods his head gravely. Interesting. Most most interesting.
Meaning: Squawks.
LOM5
Scene 3 - At a funeral home
Gathered together are Burt, crying, and holding the now one year old baby parrot Me Cunningham Junior, as well as Helen Carver, head of the philosophy department of the local university and Ned Denver, head of the linguistics department. They are seated in an empty church with the casket of Me Cunningham Senior laying open before them. The old man looks peaceful in death and seems to be smiling. The service has been conducted and Helen and Ned look puzzled and uncomfortable.
Burt: (still crying) Oh me, oh my, Oh Me Me Me ... goodbye dear friend , you were better than a boss or a father or a friend. I shall treasure your memory forever.
Ned: (in an aside) And treasure the treasure he left you too.
Helen: Frowns at him and lightly shakes her head as if to say Now is not the time.
Burt: With a sniffle he closes the coffin lid and then turns to Helen and Ned. Well, I'm sure the both of you are wondering why the heads of two busy academic departments from our local university had to be disturbed ... But I'm afraid it really is of critical importance you see.
Ned: No trouble at all dear man. Condolences.
Helen: Although I do confess I'm curious as to why Mr. Cunningham would have wanted us at his funeral. We didn't know him personally you see.
Burt: Still cradling the little parrot and softly stroking its head sits down besides them: Well, you see it's like this. It's rather a long story but let me begin by saying immediately that your time is not being wasted here because Mr. Cunningham intends to leave a generous donation to your respective departments ...
Helen and Ned try to conceal surprised glee
Burt: You see, as you know Mr. Cunningham has a vast amount of wealth and after seeing to myself and various other charities of course the main bulk of his estate will go to this little parrot here ...
Helen and Ned roll their eyes at each other, which Burt doesn't see through his tears.
Burt: Well as you know from the recent press regarding his strange intentions, he managed to increase his wealth, that he'd inherited from his parents, who in turn ...
Ned : interrupts: "Yes yes got it from the maiden Aunt Myrtle ...
Burt: "Exactly ...
Helen: Angrily elbows Ned in the ribs and motions for him to shut up
Burt: well, he managed to increase that wealth by inventing and patenting the double paper clip, which as you know can hold two sets of documents together and comes in a variety of attractive pastel colors ...
Helen: Oh he invented those did he? Mighty handy I must say ... when I'm teaching I always use it to separate the papers of the bright students from the ...
Ned: Now he elbows, or tries to elbow Helen in the ribs, but as Helen's ribs are rather well covered he thinks better of it and settles for a gruff 'Harumph'
Burt: Ah so you use it too, well everyone does these days I suppose. It's so handy yet few know he invented it. Of course he's also the brain behind high-rise apartment buildings for the rich ... These days of course everyone wants to live in a stylish yet cramped apartment because of the security it offers, whereas before when people were living in rambling suburban mansions they were always prey to break-ins ...
Ned: I was so happy to finally move out of that place of mine. It was a monster. Mowing the lawn every Sunday. Well so help me if it isn't so much more convenient in my current ...
Helen: Shushes him loudly.
Burt: Well it seems you both certainly live up to your reputation for knowing it all so I'll dispense with the background and simply assure that Mr. Cunningham was indeed wealthy beyond your imagination, and that he intends to bequeath some of that wealth to you.
Gathered together are Burt, crying, and holding the now one year old baby parrot Me Cunningham Junior, as well as Helen Carver, head of the philosophy department of the local university and Ned Denver, head of the linguistics department. They are seated in an empty church with the casket of Me Cunningham Senior laying open before them. The old man looks peaceful in death and seems to be smiling. The service has been conducted and Helen and Ned look puzzled and uncomfortable.
Burt: (still crying) Oh me, oh my, Oh Me Me Me ... goodbye dear friend , you were better than a boss or a father or a friend. I shall treasure your memory forever.
Ned: (in an aside) And treasure the treasure he left you too.
Helen: Frowns at him and lightly shakes her head as if to say Now is not the time.
Burt: With a sniffle he closes the coffin lid and then turns to Helen and Ned. Well, I'm sure the both of you are wondering why the heads of two busy academic departments from our local university had to be disturbed ... But I'm afraid it really is of critical importance you see.
Ned: No trouble at all dear man. Condolences.
Helen: Although I do confess I'm curious as to why Mr. Cunningham would have wanted us at his funeral. We didn't know him personally you see.
Burt: Still cradling the little parrot and softly stroking its head sits down besides them: Well, you see it's like this. It's rather a long story but let me begin by saying immediately that your time is not being wasted here because Mr. Cunningham intends to leave a generous donation to your respective departments ...
Helen and Ned try to conceal surprised glee
Burt: You see, as you know Mr. Cunningham has a vast amount of wealth and after seeing to myself and various other charities of course the main bulk of his estate will go to this little parrot here ...
Helen and Ned roll their eyes at each other, which Burt doesn't see through his tears.
Burt: Well as you know from the recent press regarding his strange intentions, he managed to increase his wealth, that he'd inherited from his parents, who in turn ...
Ned : interrupts: "Yes yes got it from the maiden Aunt Myrtle ...
Burt: "Exactly ...
Helen: Angrily elbows Ned in the ribs and motions for him to shut up
Burt: well, he managed to increase that wealth by inventing and patenting the double paper clip, which as you know can hold two sets of documents together and comes in a variety of attractive pastel colors ...
Helen: Oh he invented those did he? Mighty handy I must say ... when I'm teaching I always use it to separate the papers of the bright students from the ...
Ned: Now he elbows, or tries to elbow Helen in the ribs, but as Helen's ribs are rather well covered he thinks better of it and settles for a gruff 'Harumph'
Burt: Ah so you use it too, well everyone does these days I suppose. It's so handy yet few know he invented it. Of course he's also the brain behind high-rise apartment buildings for the rich ... These days of course everyone wants to live in a stylish yet cramped apartment because of the security it offers, whereas before when people were living in rambling suburban mansions they were always prey to break-ins ...
Ned: I was so happy to finally move out of that place of mine. It was a monster. Mowing the lawn every Sunday. Well so help me if it isn't so much more convenient in my current ...
Helen: Shushes him loudly.
Burt: Well it seems you both certainly live up to your reputation for knowing it all so I'll dispense with the background and simply assure that Mr. Cunningham was indeed wealthy beyond your imagination, and that he intends to bequeath some of that wealth to you.
LOM4
"I'm having him legally adopted as my own son, and he shall be heir to my fortune" said Mr. Cunningham. "I have given him my very own name: Me Cunningham" Mr. Cunningham is known to his friends as "Me", a name he adopted, he says, because the actual names his parents gave him embarrassed him when he was younger. "Can you imagine? Myrtle Eckhardt!?" Mr. Cunningham revealed that he was given the name Myrtle as it was the wish of a maiden aunt of considerable means to have a relative named after herself, and in her will she specified that the first of her close family to name their child after herself would receive the sum of one million pounds from her estate. Myrtle Holiday was herself heir to the fortune her husband had made in the hotel business in the 80's. Mr. Cunningham's parent were the first to give birth after the death of the maiden aunt and the revelation of the stipulations of her will, and therefore although the child was unfortunately male, he was named Myrtle. Mr. Cunningham's mother gave him the second name "Eckhardt". "She thought it was romantic but I never took to it so I insisted everyone called me M.E. and then it became "Me" from an early age, and so that why me name's Me."
The tiny parrot now legally carries the name Me Cunningham and Me Senior looks upon him as the son he never had. Mr. Cunningham, despite his wealth and athletic good looks, never married. Upon his death, it appears that his wealth will be transferred to the bird. It has been rumoured that Mr. Cunningham has recently taken ill with a bout of fever after his trip to the Congo, where he found his new adopted heir."
Burt puts the paper down with a shake of his head.
Me: Delighted! Delighted I am with the piece. I reckon I won't have long to live you know Burt, The fever's got into me bones I can feel it. So we'll have to make sure Me gets the best upbringing money can buy.
Burt: You're a stupid old man Me and no more talk of dyin' at the breakfast table. It puts me off my toast.
The tiny parrot now legally carries the name Me Cunningham and Me Senior looks upon him as the son he never had. Mr. Cunningham, despite his wealth and athletic good looks, never married. Upon his death, it appears that his wealth will be transferred to the bird. It has been rumoured that Mr. Cunningham has recently taken ill with a bout of fever after his trip to the Congo, where he found his new adopted heir."
Burt puts the paper down with a shake of his head.
Me: Delighted! Delighted I am with the piece. I reckon I won't have long to live you know Burt, The fever's got into me bones I can feel it. So we'll have to make sure Me gets the best upbringing money can buy.
Burt: You're a stupid old man Me and no more talk of dyin' at the breakfast table. It puts me off my toast.
LOM 3
Me: O dear o dear. What have I done? Look at this poor thing. It will never survive on its own.
Burt: You're a stupid old man, Me.
Me: Don't I know it. Here, hand me the satellite phone. Let's get out of here. This adventure is over.
Scene 2:
Back at home Burt, Me and Meaning are sitting around the kitchen table in Me's lavish home having breakfast. Me is eating eggs and feeding the little parrot, now a few weeks old and getting a bit stronger, with a small tube from a bowl of what looks like porridge. Burt is eating toast and reading the newspaper.
Me: Oh dear (looking at his eggs) I hope I'm not offending you eating these eggs. After all, not too long ago you were an egg yourself, weren't you? Meaning looks untrouble and hungrily sucks at the feeding tube. Burt rustles the newspaper.
Burt: Look here, they've got your story on page two. Want me to read it to you.
Me chuckles like an old man and coughs a little, spitting pieces of egg in all directions as a result. His cough turns into a hacking cough and Burt looks quite concerned. He waits however for Me to finish coughing.
Me: Read the story a dozen times already but you can read it to me again. I just love it. This one's a classic, Burt!
Burt (reads) : Billionaire adventurer and philanthropist M.E. Cunningham shocked the world today by announcing he had adopted as an heir a baby African Grey parrot. "It was the least I could seeing as I'd shot his old mum" the eccentric recluse said in a rare, exclusive interview with this newspaper's reporter.
Burt: You're a stupid old man, Me.
Me: Don't I know it. Here, hand me the satellite phone. Let's get out of here. This adventure is over.
Scene 2:
Back at home Burt, Me and Meaning are sitting around the kitchen table in Me's lavish home having breakfast. Me is eating eggs and feeding the little parrot, now a few weeks old and getting a bit stronger, with a small tube from a bowl of what looks like porridge. Burt is eating toast and reading the newspaper.
Me: Oh dear (looking at his eggs) I hope I'm not offending you eating these eggs. After all, not too long ago you were an egg yourself, weren't you? Meaning looks untrouble and hungrily sucks at the feeding tube. Burt rustles the newspaper.
Burt: Look here, they've got your story on page two. Want me to read it to you.
Me chuckles like an old man and coughs a little, spitting pieces of egg in all directions as a result. His cough turns into a hacking cough and Burt looks quite concerned. He waits however for Me to finish coughing.
Me: Read the story a dozen times already but you can read it to me again. I just love it. This one's a classic, Burt!
Burt (reads) : Billionaire adventurer and philanthropist M.E. Cunningham shocked the world today by announcing he had adopted as an heir a baby African Grey parrot. "It was the least I could seeing as I'd shot his old mum" the eccentric recluse said in a rare, exclusive interview with this newspaper's reporter.
LOM 2
Burt: Jumping up in horror Oh Me! Oh My! What have you done? What's going on? Why did you shoot up into that tree like that? Are you crazy? Oh no! Oh Me what have you done?
M.E. : Confused Did you see it? Did you?
Burt: See what Me? There was nothing!
M.E. : Nothing my heini! There was a huge tiger ... biggest one I've ever seen!
Burt: Me, where in the Congo now, not the Amazon. Wake up properly! You've gone and shot some poor innocent bird or something!
M.E. Now a trifle unsure Bird shmird. 'Twas a tiger I'm sure of it. Just about to pounce on me too.
Burt: Oh me, you were dreaming. Come on. Let's go and see what poor thing was up in that tree.
M.E. grumbles but gets out of his sleeping bag and joins Burt in looking for the victim of his shot. They use flashlights to quickly locate a dead African parrot, neatly decapitated by Me's shot.
Burt: Holding the dead parrot regretfully in his hands "An African Grey. Oh you stupid old man, what have you done?
ME: I have a bad feeling about this. He examines the corpse She had a baby recently. I'd best climb up that tree and see if it's OK.
ME climbs up the tree with astonishing ease for a man his age ... He is in his late sixties. He comes down from the tree with a day old African Grey parrot tenderly held in his hands
M.E. : Confused Did you see it? Did you?
Burt: See what Me? There was nothing!
M.E. : Nothing my heini! There was a huge tiger ... biggest one I've ever seen!
Burt: Me, where in the Congo now, not the Amazon. Wake up properly! You've gone and shot some poor innocent bird or something!
M.E. Now a trifle unsure Bird shmird. 'Twas a tiger I'm sure of it. Just about to pounce on me too.
Burt: Oh me, you were dreaming. Come on. Let's go and see what poor thing was up in that tree.
M.E. grumbles but gets out of his sleeping bag and joins Burt in looking for the victim of his shot. They use flashlights to quickly locate a dead African parrot, neatly decapitated by Me's shot.
Burt: Holding the dead parrot regretfully in his hands "An African Grey. Oh you stupid old man, what have you done?
ME: I have a bad feeling about this. He examines the corpse She had a baby recently. I'd best climb up that tree and see if it's OK.
ME climbs up the tree with astonishing ease for a man his age ... He is in his late sixties. He comes down from the tree with a day old African Grey parrot tenderly held in his hands
The Life Of Meaning
THE LIFE OF MEANING
A PLAYFUL PLAY ABOUT THE PLAY OF WORDS
Dramatis Personae
Meaning Cunningham - An African Grey Parrot from the Congo
M.E. Cunningham - A wealthy and eccentric naturalist
Ann Jones - A Philosophy Student
Dean Sherman - A Linguistics Student
Burt - M.E. Cunningham's Servant
Helen Carver - Head of the Philosophy Department
Ned Denver - Head of the Linguistics Department
SCENE 1:
In the hot, dense, insect infested forest of the Congo, in Africa, an expidition is camping the night in a clearing under a huge tree. A small fire is burning and Burt sits staring into it while the others sleep. M.E. is tossing and turning in his sleeping bag, clearly having a nightmare. Then he suddenly awakes and grabs his shotgun. He is sitting up in his sleeping bag and although he is still groggy from sleep he fires into the tree above his head. A moment later a dull thud is heard as something drops from the tree onto the forest floor.
A PLAYFUL PLAY ABOUT THE PLAY OF WORDS
Dramatis Personae
Meaning Cunningham - An African Grey Parrot from the Congo
M.E. Cunningham - A wealthy and eccentric naturalist
Ann Jones - A Philosophy Student
Dean Sherman - A Linguistics Student
Burt - M.E. Cunningham's Servant
Helen Carver - Head of the Philosophy Department
Ned Denver - Head of the Linguistics Department
SCENE 1:
In the hot, dense, insect infested forest of the Congo, in Africa, an expidition is camping the night in a clearing under a huge tree. A small fire is burning and Burt sits staring into it while the others sleep. M.E. is tossing and turning in his sleeping bag, clearly having a nightmare. Then he suddenly awakes and grabs his shotgun. He is sitting up in his sleeping bag and although he is still groggy from sleep he fires into the tree above his head. A moment later a dull thud is heard as something drops from the tree onto the forest floor.
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